Hey there,
Yet again, it has been a long time since I posted. Apologies. I have no real excuse other than life getting in the way. I do miss regular posting and maybe one day soon I can get back on track, but for now, I am popping in to have a chat about something I am hoping some of you can relate to.
Apologies for the dramatic title, I’m not sure I’m quite at the level where I can use clickbait in any kind of serious way. Dramatic it is, but there is definitely some genuine feelings behind this claim.
definition: Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud"
I recently graduated from King’s College London with a 2:1 in Theology, granting me access to my chosen masters course in Religions and Theology at the University of Manchester. I have spoken before about how my traumatic experience with A-Levels meant that I found it difficult to acknowledge progress or achievement and would rarely praise myself unless I reached a perfect or near-perfect result. Having said this, graduation was nothing but a joy for me and I, for the first time in a long time, was able to really say the words ‘I am proud of myself’ and mean it. Wearing that gown and getting the confirmation that I did in fact have an actual degree with a good mark from a very legitimate university, for a little while, legitimised and concretely presented my ability to myself for the first time pretty much ever. I was confronted with the facts of what I was capable of and for once, I was beginning to accept it.
Unfortunately, feelings of being a fraud and doubting myself soon crept up again when starting my MA. Many people do degrees these days, but there are only certain people that take on a masters and sometimes I am unsure that I am the ‘right’ person to be doing one. Years ago when I imagined myself potentially reaching this academic level, I pictured a serious, studious woman with a clear research focus, a strict study plan and a love for reading that surpassed her love for going out, watching TV or other recreational activities that I have long enjoyed. The reality of the Hannah I am now who is a masters student is quite far from that, and that’s where this scary sounding ‘imposter syndrome’ comes into play.
I do have specific academic interests, much of them stemming from what I researched for my undergraduate dissertation as I became well-versed with those themes. There are certain aspects of my MA that greatly interest me and that I would like to look into further and there are things that don’t excite me as much. So, why do I still feel like a fraud?
I think my problem is that I don’t live, eat and breath my subject. I don’t currently do reading outside of the ones I am set weekly and don’t do extra work or spend any extra time on my subject area that I don’t have to. The second I finish an assignment or reading I quickly revert back to watching YouTube, socialising with my friends and boyfriend and generally getting as far away from the work as possible. Right now as I write this I am sat in the university library with other things not crossed off my to-do list and yet I have chosen to write this instead. In comparison with the little information I know about my fellow students on the course, I believe I am the one whose heart is the least in it. I cannot possibly know this for sure yet what I believe I see in them is a true unmoving passion for theology in which my passion pales in comparison. The MA is supposed to be a gateway for me to study a PhD and hopefully one day become a professor in the subject, yet I cannot help but think that more passion is required than I am willing to give.
I wouldn’t want any future employer to take this the wrong way and assume I do not want a career in this field because honestly, I cannot imagine myself doing anything else. I just cannot help but think that others would be more deserving of such a position, because I seem unable to shake the self-doubt, even though I have accolades to prove that I am not horrible at what I do. Even when I look at the short time I’ve spent as an MA student so far; I have participated in discussions in which lecturers have praised and agreed with my points, and I have been able to somewhat hold my own when asked for details on pretty subject-specific content. I have no real reason to feel this way and I highly doubt anyone else has picked up on this, as I haven’t picked it up from them - yet I still can’t seem to help these feelings from creeping in. Is every adult just constantly winging it? Or am I going to have to start treating this, as well as my future career prospects, much more seriously and central to my life, rather than as one of the many various things that excite and interest me.
These feelings are not fun to deal with and I would be lying if I thought that they were going to leave me anytime soon - it is only week three of the MA so this does not bode well lol. But if things continue in a positive way and I receive good feedback as the course progresses, I am hopeful that the brief moment of self-appreciation and confidence in my abilities that I felt at graduation will return for good. I want to be able to praise myself more and realise that maybe I do know my stuff more than I believe I do. It is just difficult in a world of serious, older, often male lecturers with offices full of books and facts upon facts about their subject area ready at the top of their head at all times; whereas I think I would probably struggle to retell the conclusion of my 8,000 word dissertation because I haven’t read it since March.
One day it might all click into place, or maybe I will always live my life essay by essay, reading by reading, until the accolade of a PhD finally sends my imposter-like feelings over the edge. Perhaps, and this is probably the case, I need to stop overthinking this and simply take each day as it comes, completing work to the best of my abilities and assure myself that if my achievements have gotten me this far, then I have the capacity to keep going. One day I hope this is the case for me.
What are your thoughts? Are you studying right now or working a serious job and feel like you’re constantly winging it? Or are you confident in your ability to handle the situation you’re in? If so then teach me your ways!
Thanks for reading guys,
H x
Yet again, it has been a long time since I posted. Apologies. I have no real excuse other than life getting in the way. I do miss regular posting and maybe one day soon I can get back on track, but for now, I am popping in to have a chat about something I am hoping some of you can relate to.
Apologies for the dramatic title, I’m not sure I’m quite at the level where I can use clickbait in any kind of serious way. Dramatic it is, but there is definitely some genuine feelings behind this claim.
I recently graduated from King’s College London with a 2:1 in Theology, granting me access to my chosen masters course in Religions and Theology at the University of Manchester. I have spoken before about how my traumatic experience with A-Levels meant that I found it difficult to acknowledge progress or achievement and would rarely praise myself unless I reached a perfect or near-perfect result. Having said this, graduation was nothing but a joy for me and I, for the first time in a long time, was able to really say the words ‘I am proud of myself’ and mean it. Wearing that gown and getting the confirmation that I did in fact have an actual degree with a good mark from a very legitimate university, for a little while, legitimised and concretely presented my ability to myself for the first time pretty much ever. I was confronted with the facts of what I was capable of and for once, I was beginning to accept it.
Unfortunately, feelings of being a fraud and doubting myself soon crept up again when starting my MA. Many people do degrees these days, but there are only certain people that take on a masters and sometimes I am unsure that I am the ‘right’ person to be doing one. Years ago when I imagined myself potentially reaching this academic level, I pictured a serious, studious woman with a clear research focus, a strict study plan and a love for reading that surpassed her love for going out, watching TV or other recreational activities that I have long enjoyed. The reality of the Hannah I am now who is a masters student is quite far from that, and that’s where this scary sounding ‘imposter syndrome’ comes into play.
I do have specific academic interests, much of them stemming from what I researched for my undergraduate dissertation as I became well-versed with those themes. There are certain aspects of my MA that greatly interest me and that I would like to look into further and there are things that don’t excite me as much. So, why do I still feel like a fraud?
I think my problem is that I don’t live, eat and breath my subject. I don’t currently do reading outside of the ones I am set weekly and don’t do extra work or spend any extra time on my subject area that I don’t have to. The second I finish an assignment or reading I quickly revert back to watching YouTube, socialising with my friends and boyfriend and generally getting as far away from the work as possible. Right now as I write this I am sat in the university library with other things not crossed off my to-do list and yet I have chosen to write this instead. In comparison with the little information I know about my fellow students on the course, I believe I am the one whose heart is the least in it. I cannot possibly know this for sure yet what I believe I see in them is a true unmoving passion for theology in which my passion pales in comparison. The MA is supposed to be a gateway for me to study a PhD and hopefully one day become a professor in the subject, yet I cannot help but think that more passion is required than I am willing to give.
I wouldn’t want any future employer to take this the wrong way and assume I do not want a career in this field because honestly, I cannot imagine myself doing anything else. I just cannot help but think that others would be more deserving of such a position, because I seem unable to shake the self-doubt, even though I have accolades to prove that I am not horrible at what I do. Even when I look at the short time I’ve spent as an MA student so far; I have participated in discussions in which lecturers have praised and agreed with my points, and I have been able to somewhat hold my own when asked for details on pretty subject-specific content. I have no real reason to feel this way and I highly doubt anyone else has picked up on this, as I haven’t picked it up from them - yet I still can’t seem to help these feelings from creeping in. Is every adult just constantly winging it? Or am I going to have to start treating this, as well as my future career prospects, much more seriously and central to my life, rather than as one of the many various things that excite and interest me.
These feelings are not fun to deal with and I would be lying if I thought that they were going to leave me anytime soon - it is only week three of the MA so this does not bode well lol. But if things continue in a positive way and I receive good feedback as the course progresses, I am hopeful that the brief moment of self-appreciation and confidence in my abilities that I felt at graduation will return for good. I want to be able to praise myself more and realise that maybe I do know my stuff more than I believe I do. It is just difficult in a world of serious, older, often male lecturers with offices full of books and facts upon facts about their subject area ready at the top of their head at all times; whereas I think I would probably struggle to retell the conclusion of my 8,000 word dissertation because I haven’t read it since March.
One day it might all click into place, or maybe I will always live my life essay by essay, reading by reading, until the accolade of a PhD finally sends my imposter-like feelings over the edge. Perhaps, and this is probably the case, I need to stop overthinking this and simply take each day as it comes, completing work to the best of my abilities and assure myself that if my achievements have gotten me this far, then I have the capacity to keep going. One day I hope this is the case for me.
What are your thoughts? Are you studying right now or working a serious job and feel like you’re constantly winging it? Or are you confident in your ability to handle the situation you’re in? If so then teach me your ways!
Thanks for reading guys,
H x
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